I love to bless my readers with excellent worship music, and I apologise that I haven’t put a proper worship song on my blog for some time. That’s about to change: here’s the lovely song ‘With All I Am’ (Jesus I believe in You) from Hillsong. Go and sit somewhere quiet, and let your heart fly free in God’s Grace with this lovely worship:
Into Your hand I commit again With All I am For You Lord
You hold my world In the palm of Your hand And I am Yours forever
Chorus:
Jesus I believe in You Jesus I belong to You You’re the reason that I live The reason that I sing
With all I am
I’ll walk with You Wherever You go Through tears and joy I’ll trust in You
And I will live In all of Your ways Your promises forever
Chorus
I will worship, I will worship You I will worship, I will worship You
“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God”. – Ruth 1:16
Today’s post, unlike most of my posts, is a ‘spontaneous’ one. Most of the time, I write my posts in advance and schedule them to appear roughly every three days or so.
But not this one. Today would have been Fiona’s and my thirty-third wedding anniversary. (And I never once forgot, by the way!)
And so, today, it is only right that on my first anniversary without her, I acknowledge the day with something very special, deeply personal, spontaneous (I have just written it right now) and which would have meant a lot to her.
When we first met, Fiona and I used to do a lot of exploration, driving around the North of England in my little old white Mini (which we called ‘Cloud Nine’). And we used to play worship tapes through a ghetto blaster which sat on the back seat – and sing along, of course. One of the tapes we had was called ‘Emmanuel – God is With Us’, volume 5 of the ‘Songs of Fellowship’ series. And on there was a song called ‘Where you go, I will go’, which had a special significance for us. Once, before we were married, Fiona was ill in bed. I sat at her bedside and read her the lovely love story of Ruth and Boaz from the Bible, and we particularly loved the verse where Ruth says to her mother-in-law, Naomi: “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God”. (Ruth 1:16). That song from the tape immediately became ‘our song’, and it became a symbol of our love for, and commitment to, each other.
I am absolutely sure that this next part of the story is no coincidence. For years now, I have been searching for a copy of that album, ‘Emmanuel’, that we lost so long ago. The album that contained ‘our song’.
And just this week, I have managed to find one on eBay and buy it – the vinyl record version – and so I have used the same technology that I use on my other website – VintageWorshipTapes.com – to convert the album into electronic files that I can play anywhere. I am sure the timing of this is entirely God’s work. Why this week, out of all the hundreds – yes, hundreds – of weeks I have been looking for this music, does it suddenly appear on eBay? That’s the Hand of God, right there. Thank You so much, Lord, for blessing me in this way!
“Where you go, I will go”
Today, of all days, should rightly be the day that I make this song public, in honour of my darling wife. It’s cost me a lot of tears to digitise that album, and to hear once again the tracks that remind me so much of our early days together, and also to write this piece. But it’s been healthy. It’s reminded me of the solid foundations of our relationship, and reminded me once again of all the amazing adventures we had together.
We fulfilled our promise to each other for over 34 years.
Where you go, I will go. And we did exactly that.
(Click the play button on the track to hear the song)
Where you go, I will go
Where you lodge, I will lodge
Do not ask me to turn away, for I will follow you
We’ll serve the Lord together, and praise Him day to day
For He brought us together, to love Him and serve Him always
I’m writing this piece because it’s two months today since I lost my wonderful wife, Fiona.
And it’s all been very strange since. In addition to having the huge adjustment to life without my soulmate and team-mate, I’d expected to have been completely overwhelmed with grief and to have been good for nothing useful at all. I’d expected it to be crippling, indeed incapacitating.
But it hasn’t been like that at all. I’ve generally coped just fine; I have accepted her loss and I am just getting on with life. And I don’t fully understand why that isn’t difficult.
As you might imagine, I must credit much of this to my Heavenly Father. David wrote, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; and He saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Ps 34:18) and I have found this to be true in my own experience. I have had such a consciousness of the Presence of God, and He seems to have released small chunks of memories for me to grieve over in kind of ‘bite-sized chunks’. I haven’t had to deal with 34 years of soul-mate relationship’s worth of grief in one big lump. It’s been much easier than I thought it would be, although still terrible of course.
I’ve called this piece, ‘A Crumb of my Comfort’. And so I want to share with you as many crumbs of comfort as I can, from the many I have received from Father. Remember, it’s my aim in life to always do what I see my Father doing (John 5:19). And the biggest comfort to me has been my absolute certainty that Fiona is in the presence of God, worshipping the One she loves.
Over the months before Fiona died, I had several personal worship experiences where I felt like I was participating in what you might call the ‘Worship of Heaven’. For this purpose, Holy Spirit used especially some of the worship songs of Terry MacAlmon, which I have featured on my blog in the past*. For those months, the Spirit was using these, and others of Terry’s songs, to impress upon me, “Look, this is what Fiona is going to, only better!” And over the months, that knowledge and experience has soaked into my very being and it has become a part of me – in greater measure than I have previously had, even as a worship leader. In some ways, I feel like I am still worshipping with Fiona. Within an hour of Fiona’s passing, I had a vivid and almost indescribable vision of her worshipping in the Presence of God, and felt the Spirit saying to me, “There. This is what I meant”. Since worship is such an integral part of my life, and since my experience of God is an almost constant, exciting and energising Presence right in the centre of my heart, what better way for the Spirit to encourage me regarding where Fiona is now?
And because of this, my grief is mixed with an indescribable, bubbling joy, that, through the tears, is a constant reminder of God’s Presence both with me and with Fiona. It’s all very odd; in some ways I feel as if she’s not really gone, but then I also realise that if I am worshipping in the Throne Room in my spirit, then in some indescribable** way I am also worshipping with Fiona, who is doing the same thing. My heart is full of thankfulness and joy and praise and worship and there isn’t a thing I can do to stop it – not that I would try! The whole thing is quite surreal! I know it’s a bit of a cliche but I really do know that she has indeed ‘gone to a better place’ and that she is full of joy there. And so it is difficult to be too upset; I know that the girl that I love is out of pain, in the Presence of her Jesus, and completely, utterly safe, whole and full of joy, in ways that are far beyond anything we can imagine.
Don’t get me wrong on the worship thing by the way; I don’t believe that the entire experience of Heaven is confined to just one big worship meeting. I’m sure it’s not; I’m sure that attendance at that great gathering is optional, and on a come-and-go as you like basis, and there’s definitely more to worship than just singing songs. But I do believe that Fiona walks closely with her Saviour and He has His arm around her (I’ve seen that too). The Glory she experiences is beyond anything that can be experienced in our mortal bodies, but I know for a fact that, despite our bodies’ limitations, we too can experience the Power and Presence of God. I know this because I have so experienced Him, and do so on a regular basis. I rest in the presence of God, knowing that everything is in His hands. The Spirit gave me a verse the other day, which describes my position well; it’s Psalm 116:7 – “Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee” (Ps 116:7 KJV) or in modern English, “Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you”. And, again, this has been true in my personal experience***.
Despite this being published on Christmas Day, I wasn’t going to mention Christmas. Bah humbug. But there’s a contextual reason for it: at Christmas, we celebrate the unbelievable phenomenon called ‘Immanuel’, which means ‘God With Us’, just like I am claiming happens to me.
God Himself, the Creator of everything, right here and walking and living amongst us.
Two thousand years ago, it was of course Jesus Who walked among us – literally walked among us – as a human being (Jn 1:14). Nowadays He is still with us, because He promised us that He would send His Holy Spirit, to be with us for ever (Jn 14:16 KJV). And this is how we know that we belong to Him; why I can claim that He is real in me: Ephesians 1: 13-14 says, “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory“, and 2Cor1:21-22, “Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come“. I literally feel the Holy Spirit within my heart; that’s how I know. And He also said, I will be with you always, until the end of time (Mt 28:20). Note that it’s not that the Bible says it, so I believe it; its the other way round: I feel Him in my heart, and subsequently to that, I find from the Bible and from talking with fellow believers that others too have felt that Presence****.
And this is what is meant by Immanuel – ‘God With Us’. Again, this has been true in my experience. And that’s how I know; that’s why my faith gives me such assurance, reassurance, comfort and hope.
Let me finish with, would you believe, a verse from a Christmas carol (despite my not planning on doing anything Christmas here, but such is the Spirit’s leading…) O Little Town of Bethlehem. So many people simply sing these carols year upon year without really knowing what they are about, but this verse captures the idea of Immanuel beautifully:
How silently, how silently
The wondrous Gift is given
So God imparts to human hearts
The blessings of His Heaven
No ear can hear His coming, but in this world of sin
Where meek souls will receive Him, still the dear Christ enters in
And all of those are the crumbs I offer you, taken from the vast comfort I have been given. I sincerely hope they bless and encourage you 🙂
**I think that’s the third or fourth time I have used the word ‘indescribable’. But it’s the correct word to use; I am trying to describe things here that are right out on the edge of what it is possible to decribe with language. Maybe only my Spirit-language is capable of describing this sort of stuff…
****And so it kind-of validates the experience – not that I need it validating; it’s real enough to me – but it a) explains what it is, and b) tells me I’m not alone in feeling like this.
Sometimes there’s nothing like simply taking the time out to just go and sit in God’s Presence. Maybe in your spare bedroom; maybe just in your head while travelling to work on the bus. But however you do it, know that He delights in your being there and He delights to spend time with you.
Here’s a lovely song by Don Francisco, expressing the tenderness and love that is found in God’s Presence: Father Hear Me Calling
Deep within the silence, Father hear me calling
Open to your son and lift me to Your Throne above
Lord I need to hear You, feel Your Spirit near me Feel Your arms around me, rest inside your Love
There’s nothing on this earth can fill this thirst and longing
No-one else can satisfy the need within my soul
Come and fill my heart again with all the love that’s in You
Let me see Your Glory; let it cleanse and make me whole
There beside the river let my spirit wander
With my Friend and Saviour, to hear the Voice I love
Drinking sweet still waters
Lying in green pastures
While Your gentle Spirit rests upon me like a dove
There’s nothing on this earth can fill this thirst and longing
No-one else can satisfy the need within my soul
Come and fill my heart again with all the love that’s in You
Let me see Your Glory; let it cleanse and make me whole
(Instrumental)
There beside the river let my spirit wander
With my Friend and Saviour, to hear the Voice I love
Drinking sweet still waters
Lying in green pastures
While Your gentle Spirit rests upon me like a dove
Deep within the silence, Father hear me calling
Open to your child and lift me to Your Throne above Lord I need to hear You, feel Your Spirit near me Feel Your arms around me, rest inside your Love
Let me feel Your arms around me, rest inside your Love
– (Music and lyrics by Don Francisco, used here with his permission)
This small but powerful worship medley is absolutely gorgeous. Fiona and I used to sing the first song, ‘You Alone are Holy’, as a duet. ‘We Exalt You’, however, although one of my favourite ‘uplifting’ songs, never quite caught on as well as I’d have liked – but I share it with you today in the hope that you too will find it uplifting.
You Alone are Holy
Can you hear Creation yearning Longing to worship His Name? Together in all adoration I join them to proclaim
Can you hear the angels singing In the Presence of the King My heart cries out to be with them As I fall on my knees and sing
For You alone are holy You are worthy to be praised You alone are holy I offer up myself to You For it’s the least that I can do for You
To live my life in Your Presence
To hide in the wings of Your grace
To drink from Your fountain of mercy
I hunger and seek Your Face
For You alone are holy You are worthy to be praised You alone are holy I offer up myself to You For it’s the least that I can do
For You alone are holy You are worthy to be praised You alone are holy I offer up myself to You
I offer up myself to You
I offer up myself to You
For it’s the least that I can do for You
You Alone
You are the Peace that guards my heart My Help in time of need You are the Hope that leads me on And brings me to my knees
For there I find You waiting And there I find release So with all my heart I’ll worship And unto You I’ll sing
For You alone deserve all glory For You alone deserve all praise Father we worship and adore You Father we long to see Your Face
For You alone deserve all glory For You alone deserve all praise Father, we love You And we worship You this day
We Exalt You
We exalt You, we exalt You We exalt You, Exalted King on high We exalt You, we exalt You We exalt You, Exalted King on high
We are called of You Gathered from all nations Called as priests to You To demonstrate Your praise
We exalt You, we exalt You We exalt You, Exalted King on high We exalt You, we exalt You We exalt You, Exalted King on high
We are living stones Formed by Your own righteous Hand Joined in unity To celebrate Your Love
We exalt You, we exalt You We exalt You, Exalted King on high We exalt You, we exalt You We exalt You, Exalted King on high
We exalt You, we exalt You We exalt You, Exalted King on high
Header Image: Cloudscape over Devon; a view above the clouds at about 7,000ft on a crystal-clear day. Seeing a view like this evokes real worship of the sheer magnificence of God as seen in His Creation.
I love songs like this (especially with such superb piano tracks!), and ‘Holy are You Lord‘, because this is one of the main themes of Heavenly worship – Holy, Holy, Holy – as described in the various Heavenly visions in the Bible, for example, in Revelation 4:8 or Isaiah 6:3. If you’re singing this, you’re singing the worship of Heaven. The worship of those angels and humans described in those passages, the worship of people who can actually see Jesus in all His amazing wonder, power and glory – this is their song. And so it is only right that we join in; even here in our earthly place where there’s suffering, pain and decay, still we can celebrate ahead of time, as it were, in the ‘here and now’ where we know only in part and not in full (1Cor13:12); where we can see the outworkings of God’s plans in all His genius, and rejoice in them!
Here’s the song, then – I Hear Angels.
Enjoy!
I hear angels singing praises I see men from every nation Bowing down before the throne Like the sound of many waters Like a rushing wind around us Multitudes join the song
And a symphony of praise arises Tears are wiped away from eyes As men from every tongue and tribe all sing
Holy holy, God Almighty Who was, Who is and is to come All the angels are crying “holy” To the Lamb Who sits upon the throne
Holy holy, God Almighty Who was, Who is and is to come All creation is bringing glory To the Lamb Who sits upon the throne
I see One Who’s full of wonder Eyes of fire, voice of thunder Shining bright, His Majesty All the colours of the rainbow Circle Him and fill His temple So beautiful this is to me
And a symphony of praise arises Tears are wiped away from eyes As men from every tongue and tribe all sing
Holy holy, God Almighty Who was, Who is and is to come All the angels are crying “holy” To the Lamb Who sits upon the throne
Holy holy, God Almighty Who was, Who is and is to come All creation is bringing glory To the Lamb Who sits upon the throne
To the Lamb Who sits upon the throne
I believe I have personally heard angel voices singing.
It has happened to me only once, in about 1992, when I was in a prayer meeting in a hired room in Otley Civic Centre, in Otley, West Yorkshire. During a high, awe-filled lull in the open worship (which I was leading), I could hear music; voices and yet it was not voices; singing but the sound was more like trumpets of all different sizes. I couldn’t hear any words. No other party was in the building at the time; the sound was coming from somewhere below the room we were in. It wasn’t very loud, but it was real, and I shall never forget the sound.
To this day, I still believe this was angel voices worshipping along with our group’s high praise. I’d never heard anything like it before – in fact, it was like nothing I had ever heard – and I haven’t heard anything like it since. Fascinating!
A long time ago, I was a worship leader who played in meetings and services week after week, month after month. Until, of course I burned out! Many of my readers will know of my Dark Night of the Soul, when I left behind me all things Church for fifteen years. And on each occasion that I burned out, I came closer and closer to never going back into leading – or even into Church; each time, that Dark Night beckoned. Eventually, it turned out to be exactly what I needed, but on this particular occasion the ‘only’ real thing was that I never wanted to ever hear again any of the Songs of Heaven.
Except for this one. ‘All I Desire’, from the Hosanna! Music album ‘Almighty‘. Despite everything, this one song just played over and over again in my spirit – and I didn’t mind, despite it being a Song of Heaven:
‘Oh Lord, my God, all I desire is You’.
And, you know, that was exactly what the Spirit was speaking to my heart at that time. I needed to put aside all the works, all the leading, all the action, all the ‘being indispensible’, and just concentrate on my heart’s Desire – all I really needed was Him. So, in His usual complete genius, He gave me the one song that could save my sanity, by putting my focus back on the One to Whom I owe everything.
As usual, it had taken a big crash for me to learn my lesson – if indeed I did. But anyway, here is the song. If you’re blown away by life’s pressures, or especially by ministry pressures, remember your first Love; remember that He is all you really desire, and that all the resulting works and deeds flow from Him and back to Him. Let it be effortless. let it flow from your life in the Spirit, and not from any compulsion.
Hold your ‘ministry’ lightly;
but hold on to Him tightly
(I can’t believe I just wrote that, and I apologise. Too trite for my normal style, and I don’t like ‘Christian catch-phrases’ – but I feel perhaps it’s there for for someone!) 😉
So here it is: ‘All I Desire’, written and led by Rich Gomez.
Sing it. Mean it.
O Lord, my God All I desire is You O Lord, my God All I desire is You
More precious than silver More costly than gold No riches on the earth compare with You
And what can this world offer when all I desire is You
I’ve written before on the subject of singing in ‘tongues’; singing in another, unknown, language as the Spirit gives the words. It’s beautiful, moving, and very, very special.
Today I want to give you a really special worship track from the tape ‘Oil of Gladness’; you can find the whole tape on my ‘Vintage Worship Tapes‘ website.
When I used to lead worship in my old church in Leeds, sometimes I would be inspired just to play spontaneously, even sometimes to sing the words prophetically (like the chap in this example). This could happen either out of the blue, or after the end of a song, but it’s always gorgeous. In some ways, prophetic piano playing is like singing in ‘tongues’ as it’s spontaneous, not pre-planned; when it’s done ‘live’ it’s always fresh, always new, and it’s not usually playing any recognised tune – although sometimes I might be playing prophetically and realise that I am actually leading into another song, in which case I will roll with it and lead into that song.
So anyway, in the track I am sharing today, they’ve just finished singing a song (I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live) and the pianist, David Matthew, carries on spontaneously into a lovely prophetic piano piece, later backed with his band, and the congregation join in gradually as they realise what’s happening. As I say about this track on on my webpage on Vintage Worship Tapes,
“…yes it may only be a four-or-five-chord vamp but there are almost words in that music; I have loved that piece for nigh on thirty years and still it speaks new things to me; it really is prophetic piano playing.”
This was the first prophetic piano solo I’d ever heard, and I found that it inspired me to similar things in my own worship leading.
Have a listen and see what you think. Let the Spirit soak you with the worship in this timeless piece:
The worship was recorded at Church House in Bradford, West Yorkshire, in 1978. The piano that David was playing was a Steinway grand, which is why I have used a picture of a Steinway in the header image for this post.
It is such a comfort to me to know that, no matter what happens, It Is Well With My Soul. No matter what happens, my life is ‘…hidden with Christ in God’ (Colossians 3:3). This means that my life in Christ is now so bound up within the Godhead that it is safe forever. That’s some statement! And it’s true for everyone who simply puts their trust in Jesus, whether they realise the reality of that truth or not. If you’re one of those people, then be encouraged and take in that simple but marvellous truth: It Is Well with Your Soul! Yes, with your soul! Let it soak into your entire being, and never let go of it – because it’s true and it’s real!
If you’re not one of those people? You too can have the assurance and say with me, “It is Well with my Soul”, if you simply decide to trust in Jesus. Have a think about that.
And so, I wanted to share with you today one of my favourite Christian hymns, ‘It Is Well With My Soul’, by Horatio G Spafford.
About 25 years ago, Hosanna! Music published a cassette tape called ‘Eternal God’, with worship led by Don Moen, on which ‘It is Well With My Soul’ was featured. It was the first time I ever heard it and I loved it straight away. So, here is the song from that tape:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul.
(Refrain:) It is well (it is well), with my soul (with my soul), It is well, it is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. (Refrain)
And Lord haste the day, when the faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul. (Refrain)
Horatio Spafford’s moving story, of a life full of tragedy and yet also full of service to Father, can be found here and here. You might read that story and think, whether you are already a believer or not, ‘How can someone go through all that and still believe in a loving God?’ And you would have my agreement – except that, because of the Grace of God, I believe that all believers are given the grace to carry on in faith under such circumstances.
I can testify to this in my own life; even as I write this, my wife and soul-mate Fiona has been fighting a particularly nasty cancer for the last two and a half years. Her survival through to this point in time is nothing short of miraculous. She refers to herself as a ‘walking miracle’, and with good reason too. And God has been close to us the whole time. Despite the circumstances, we still believe. This is real stuff, in real life – a real God drawing near to the brokenhearted, just as He promised He would do (Ps 34:18) And of course, it is well with her soul, too; whatever our lot, we can say that.
Along with Horatio Spafford, then, we can testify with full joy and assurance:
It is well with my soul!
Begin today to declare this awesome truth to yourself and for yourself. Let it make a difference! Wow!
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul.
(Refrain:) It is well (it is well), with my soul (with my soul), It is well, it is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. (Refrain)
My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to His cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! (Refrain)
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pain shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. (Refrain)
And Lord haste the day, when the faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul. (Refrain)
At the end of the main track on this page, Don and his band play another song, ‘I Will Come To You’. Here is that beautiful song in its entirety, from the Hosanna!Music CD, ‘Eternal God, 1991:
I will come to You, You have the words of life I will come to You, You are the door I will come to You, You are the Light of Life I will come to You, For You are Lord
You have laid down Your life to forgive my sin And You’ve made a way for me to be born again By Your stripes I am healed,
The incredible piano and worship-leading talent of Terry MacAlmon cannot be overstated. Here he is singing his heavenly-vision-inspired song, ‘Holy are You Lord’. Excuse the dress styles and what have you; push through all that into what’s in these people’s hearts – this is real worship at its best.
If you don’t find your hands spontaneously rising up in worship as you listen to this song, it might be best if you check to see if your arms are still there 😉 :
Can you hear the sound of heaven Like the sound of many waters It’s the sound of worship coming from the throne There are cries of adoration As men from every nation Lift their voice to make His glory known, singing
Chorus: Holy, holy, holy are You, Lord Holy, holy, holy are You, Lord The elders and angels bow The redeemed worship You now Holy, holy, holy are You, Lord
