My favourite aspect, of the multifaceted modern phenomenon we call the Internet, is the humour.
Some of it is so clever, so witty, so perceptive and just so funny, that I never fail to be amused by something new every day. I believe God gave us humour as one vehicle with which to express the joy that is in our hearts; ironically, though, one of the first things to ‘go’ under the chronically religious mindset is the sense of humour; the sense of fun. So today I am going to share some classic military humour – the Officer Fitness Reports. These have been around for a while, but I wanted to get them up on my blog where they can be enjoyed by all.
In these reports, senior military officers are writing comments in routine progress reports on their charges; junior officers assigned to serve under them and be developed by the senior officer. These reports are – shall we say – less than complimentary, and are, in my view, just hilarious.
Maybe you can think of a few people yourself who fit these descriptions… 😉
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this officer.
- This officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won’t-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This officer should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.
- This man is destined to go through life pushing doors marked ‘pull’.
- This officer was Head Boy at Eton. The school reported that he could pursue any career path he wanted. Unfortunately he chose the Army. His map reading skills are illusory. His upper body strength might be described if he exhibited any. The only way he could pass A levels is if he ate someone else’s certificate.
Well, there we are. Sheer genius 😀 Hope you enjoyed them.
Header image shows actor Rowan Atkinson as Captain Blackadder, in the classic TV sitcom, ‘Blackadder Goes Forth‘